samgyorfitoday i just dont have much time.
but i wanted to write some things down as they spin around in my head.
i try to be open and honest about my faith with anyone who asks, and for the most part i think i am. im not going to air all my dirty laundry on the street corner, however, i also feel im fairly transparent.
i can totally see why people love the american church, and, why it drives me insane.
if i didnt work in my church i probably would go to a cool, hip, young church body that met my needs and gave me good community to grow and thrive. i would be a little cooler, a little less cynical, and a LOT less burdened.
as it stands though, im 100 percent committed to my place and current church body (i was going to say 110 percent, but lets be real; not possible and it bugs me when other people say that). whats more, i know why and it kills me. Jesus says in Matthew that all authority on this earth and the next is given to him, and to do what he told us while he walked among us.
“blessed be the peacemakers.” that one stinks. i dont want to help fix whats broken, i want to go to a place that is already fixed.
“blessed are the poor in spirit.” really? so because my heart shatters for those who dont care im blessed? i dont feel blessed. i feel tired and worn out. honestly, the more i study scripture the more i want to be a monk and just spend my days farming and working out my own issues and theology. Other people exhaust me.
“blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.” ok, i can get with that. i like studying and pursuing God, i love learning truth and being encouraged with God’s story of redemption. but what about those to say they want righteousness but just go through the motions? those who treat the church like walmart. cheap goods that cost them little to nothing. how do we get them to care? what about the parents the share their marginalized faith with their kids making a new generation of apathetic hypocrites?
this is why people love the american church and why its going to be the end of me.
its so messed up i cannot leave it without giving my life to try and help, because its my home on this messed up earth. its the place i feel loved and filled; through people as well as the Holy Spirit. where else would a group of a couple hundred listen to a 27 year old kid who loves God every sunday?
i want to be a monk.
i want to be a hipster working in a bike shop.
i want to be a construction worker.
i want to go home.
but im a servant. so ill serve. im not God, so ill serve God.
i think im going to go get some ice cream. always seems to put me in a better mood. thanks for ice cream Lord.
Artwork titled, ‘Portrait Of A Monk Of The Benedictine Order, Holding A Skull,’ by Sir Antony van Dyck.
